Penis Pants

Allison: Ladies, back me up on this one. Why is it that women’s jeans have this special area of extra material between the legs when you sit down? Why are we given penis room? We do not require this type of space!... So, what are your feelings on ‘penis pants’ Amanda?

Amanda: HATE.

Allison: But, seriously, this is a pressing issue for women of fashion in our age.

Amanda: If we can go to Mars, why the hell can’t we get a flattering pant!!??

Allison: Amen!

Amanda: If you can manage to find a pair that doesn’t do that, the ass hangs out!!! It’s a double edged sword!

Allison: This is obviously a conspiracy spearheaded by the men of the fashion industry.

Amanda: I wonder if celebrities have that problem. I’m going to Google celeb photos to see if they also suffer from this scourge of the common woman.

Allison: Our readers should benefit from our research.

(A Google Image search of “celebrity jeans sitting” yielded a variety of photos—none of which were seated jean-wearing celebrities.)

Amanda: Do you think dudes notice? Do you think they notice, I mean, that we have a little bit of a package going on?

Al: Hmm… I don’t think they would admit to it.

Amanda and Al hereby plead with all makers of denim products to design a pair of jeans that make a woman look like…well, a woman.

Coming Un-henged

While planning our possible road trip out to California via every state in the “fly over states” region of America’s heartland, our heroes stumbled upon “Carhenge,” a Nebraskan answer to the classic Celtic Stonehenge. Made entirely out of used cars, Carhenge was built as a tribute to the creator’s father and finished in 1987. It is, perhaps, the most awesome monument imaginable. Seeing pictures of this henge on the internet brought mystical inspiration to our heroes. The henge, it was decided, is the most interesting breed of monument. So many possibilities!
Could we build our very own henge? YES. But what sort of henge? Small-scale henges were the first ideas, but we needed something bigger. Finally, we struck inspiration. BEERHENGE. It was perfect. Sure, we’d need a large amount of beer cans, but we like a challenge. And beer.
And so Al & Amanda conceived of the idea for “Beercanhenge.” A first draft of the henge was shortly after drawn up including space for tailgating, a gift shop, and a bar/repair shop. Below, dear readers, you’ll find the rudimentary first draft—low on talent, big on heart.
Further research revealed the surprising extent of the American Stonehenge fever (see list of prominent henge builders included later in this post). Quickly the search for more comprehensive henge information spiraled into a quest for other American oddities. “Tiny churches are adorable symbols of understated Christianity,” read Amanda between peals of laughter (courtesy of the website: www.roadsideamerica.com). Buildings shaped like coffee kettles, giant apples, dancing animatronic farm animals, huge balls of twine, world’s largest Rubix cube, large statues of Lenin, man-eating clams—you name it, our fine nation has it nestled away in some cozy pocket of its immense majesty. (The makers of this site encourage you to find other interesting places in our fair nation and email them to us at thenaysayers@gmail.com and also to visit the fine and informative website www.roadsideamerica.com!)
When, in the summer of 2007, the construction of Beercanhenge formally commences, the makers of this site will require your assistance in procuring as many beer cans as possible. This might mean the summer of 2007 will be the Summer of the Perpetual Hangover, however, bear in mind, folks, your inebriation will be for a worthy cause—you’ll be beautifying America with your participation in this momentous architectural exercise. Details will be provided to you as the project progresses.

Layout for Beercanhenge
See below.

People To Have Been Bitten By The ‘Henge Bug’
Sam Hill (“the first American replica Stonehenge”)
Al Shepperd (Stonehenge II)
Mark Cline (creator of ‘Foamhenge’)
Adam Horowitz (creator of ‘Stonefridge’ or ‘Fridgehenge’)
Allison Bailey & Amanda Stegner

Business Lunch

Surrounded by…well, just people on business lunches, Al and Amanda sat to have a lunch of their own. It didn’t start as a business lunch, but most things they did started out as something other than what they eventually became. After downing their coffees they realized their amazing talent was stagnating in today’s job market. It favored the sort of person they were surrounded by—the realtor with the hideous gold necklace from Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry, the voyeuristic businessman typing frantically on his PDA, the corpulent accountant. They were none of these. Little did they know their epic journey was only beginning. Like so often when Amanda wanted to create something truly awesome, Al was distracted by her constant singing of The Knack.

“Al, stop drumming ‘My Sharona! I have an idea! I checked The Onion online and they don’t accept unsolicited resumés.”

“Right, so we’re screwed,” she exclaimed as she momentarily stopped her one-woman show.

“WRONG! What if we don’t send them an unsolicited resumé, but instead create a grassroots movement to force them to accept our unparalleled awesomeness?”

“Just how do you expect to create such a movement? I mean, I know we’re awesome, but how do we spread the word to the common man?”

“Dude, we ARE the common man.”

“Oh, right.”

They’d hit a brick wall. More coffee was needed. After a long sip, the dynamic duo devised a devious solution.

“If a man can trade a paperclip for a house on the Internet, surely we can use it to propel ourselves to stardom,” explained Amanda.

“Excellent! To the computer!!”

By later that afternoon, Manifesto Destiny was born.

Introduction

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